John Walt

Eleven years ago this August, I sat in a maximum security prison surrounded by a group of about 80 inmates. My friend stood up and asked the men in the room a question. "There was a moment that each of you decided to believe you were bad; I want to hear what that moment was." With tears in their eyes, one by one, many of the men stood up and shared some of the worst abuse I had ever heard. What happened to them as children shaped their beliefs about themselves and put them on a path that led to decades and, in some cases, life in prison. In that moment the power of identity took on a whole new meaning for me.

Identity is a very important concept, but what does it actually mean? I have studied it for years and have found so many different explanations and concepts surrounding it. Much of our understanding of identity seems to be dependent on our spiritual beliefs, worldview, and the community we are a part of. To keep things simple, let's talk about identity in two ways.

False Identity: The narrative we believe about ourselves.

True Identity: Who we are actually created to be, whether we believe it or not.

The false identity is constructed by our mind's need to feel in control of our lives and to protect us from feeling inadequate. Psychology uses the term "ego" to define our sense of self. Heather and I believe that people are constantly wrestling with three identity questions, whether consciously or not. We call these the three universal questions.

Who am I in relationship to myself? - How do I see myself, what do I believe is true about me and how do I treat myself?
Who am I in relationship to others? - How do other people see me and treat me?
Who am I in relationship to God? - How does God see me, how do I relate to God, and what is my role in the larger story?

Heather and I have been geeking out over these three universal questions for over a decade. So far, they align with everything we have learned and seen both in spirituality and psychology. We define a person's sense of identity as "their answers to the three universal questions."

We all have self-narratives that are shaped by our experiences, the community, and culture we come from, as well as, the words people have spoken over us and the way they have treated us. I want to pause and say I am sorry. I am sorry for how people have treated you and what they have spoken over you. Most of what other people teach us about ourselves really damages our sense of identity and the narrative we believe about who we are. Hurt people hurt people, and the world is full of hurting people.

Before we dive deeper into identity, let's unpack each of the three universal questions.

Who am I in relationship to myself?

How do you see yourself? How do you treat yourself? What words do you speak to yourself? Most people treat themselves far worse than they would ever treat other people. They say things to themselves that they would never speak or probably ever think about someone else. I have talked with many people who quite literally hate themselves, even though you would never know it by looking at their life from the outside.

We all have a relationship with ourselves, and it forms a critical part of our sense of identity.

Who am I in relationship to others?

Humans are communal; we want proximity and relationships with each other. We care a lot about how people see us and what they think of us. Entire industries are driven just by promising to make others think better of you. Think of the billions of dollars a year spent on beauty, clothing, jewelry, luxury homes, and cars. Social media platforms wouldn't work if we weren't obsessed with crafting how people think of us and getting social affirmation. We are constantly wondering what people think about us and trying to improve their perception and win their approval. How we think people see us and how they treat us forms another critical part of our sense of identity. For many people, it is the only identity that matters to them.

Who am I in relationship with God?

I believe that we all have a deep desire to know how we fit into what I call the "larger story." For those who believe in God, this question is simple: who does God say I am, and what relationship do I get to have with him? Even if someone doesn't believe in God, they are trying to answer this question by trying to understand their relationship to nature, the universe, or history. Science is ultimately a pursuit of understanding ourselves and the larger story we fit into. I often wonder if this deep desire is actually part of what makes some people want to be remembered by "making history or leaving a legacy." We all want to know who we are in relationship to the creator of the universe.

Often, what we believe to be true about ourselves is shaped by the words others have spoken over us, our failures, flaws, and doubts. Then we look at the shame-filled narrative we have constructed about ourselves and subconsciously determine that God couldn't really love us.

Scott has often asked me, "Do you trust God's kind intentions toward you?" Even though God had clearly led me and spoken to me at so many points in my life, it has often been hard for me to completely believe He has kind intentions towards me. In my experience, it is easier to love God, serve God, and give our lives to Him than it is to believe He has kind intentions toward us. Why is that?

A foundational misbelief

I am going to delve into a controversial topic for a second, but please bear in mind this is not so much a theological conversation as it is a psychological conversation. I am not challenging the Bible; I am only challenging our interpretation of it in light of how we Westerners think. Regardless of what you believe, I encourage you to evaluate how those beliefs affect your thinking. Some of those beliefs may be getting in the way of stepping into your true identity.

Western Christian theology often leads people to believe that we are inherently bad. Left to ourselves, we will hurt ourselves and others as we pursue selfish gratification of the "flesh." It was always presented to me as you are essentially a bad person, but once you give your life to God, you will be reborn into a good person. But despite this rebirth, you will have to battle the "flesh" for the rest of your life. I believe this picture is fundamentally flawed because we make it about Good and Bad. In the West, we love to think of everything as binary, but most cultures throughout human history didn't think the way we do.

This born-again concept shows up in different ways throughout all religions and in every region of the world. I believe there is one reason for that. When we start talking about transformation from the false self to the real self, we are diving into deep waters of timeless wisdom. We are tapping into the heart of what it means to be a person. Every religion refers to it in its own way, but this transformation is the core purpose of religions in general. Our deep desire to be transformed is why they exist.

If we let go of the modern Western Christian explanation of being born again, then we get to look at this with fresh eyes. The problem isn't that you are fundamentally bad and need to be made good. The "problem" is that every creature, including humans, is hard-wired to focus on self-preservation. These instincts lead us to want to focus first on taking care of our biological and psychological needs at all times. Once our baser desires are met, we begin looking for ways to establish our position in the social structure. This usually leads our modern world to try to acquire more wealth, stuff, and influence. The challenge is that gratifying our fundamental desires will never get us what we actually want. What every person really wants is freedom.

We become slaves to our self-focused desires and needs and walk around with a deep emptiness inside us. I believe this is what Jesus was speaking to when he invited people to be reborn. This is actually what every religion and sudo-religion tries to offer: a path to freedom, to becoming our true selves. In the Bible, the Greek and Hebrew words for sinner mean "to miss the mark" or "to err." We have all missed the mark, made mistakes, and gone astray from the path God created us for. When we start by assuming sinner means "fundamentally bad," we pass judgment on ourselves, which affects what we believe about our identity. What Jesus invited us into is a transformation journey where we become people who can walk the path and not go astray. I believe that this is not as complicated as we usually make it but it's a journey that is very hard to do without a guide.

Scott has been my guide, and a handful of other men have contributed significantly to my journey over the years. I was looking for a path, but I didn't know exactly what I was looking for. I had been deeply involved for many years in Western Christianity but was looking for more. What Scott showed me was very simple, but going through the process was challenging. He invited me to die to who I thought I was and what I thought I wanted so that God could make me into what he wanted. The path is called discipleship, and Jesus is the ultimate guide. Scott became my second father, a fellow traveler on the journey, helping me to find the path and stay on it.

Throughout the process, my narratives about my identity have changed dramatically. My answers to the three universal questions have been transformed. It is clear to me now that if we start out approaching transformation and discipleship with a modern Western Christian mindset, we will likely never make it out of the starting gate. When we believe we are bad, it is very hard to believe we can become good. This is because binary thinking leaves no room for process. If we simply embrace that we miss the mark and choose to set out to find the path of freedom and life, then taking the first step becomes easy. Every organic system in the world grows from immature to mature. Nothing grows without process.

What if we could see and relate to ourselves and others the same way Jesus saw and related to people? What if we could have the relationship with God He wants to have with us? What if your role in the larger story was to go on a journey to find the path of freedom and then to help others find it. Isn't that the invitation of the gospel?

- John Walt

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