John Walt

I once lived by rumors of you, now I have it all firsthand.

I want to share a story with you that I really haven't shared with many people. It's about one of the most impactful experiences of my life. It is what started my transformation journey and ultimately led me here to share these notes with you.

When I was 19, I wanted nothing more than to spend my summer as a white water rafting guide in CO. I had planned on this for several years, and now it was going to happen. But then I got the call telling me I didn't get the job. My 19-year-old brain was devastated. A dream seemed crushed; my pride was in shambles, and it meant I had nothing exciting to look forward to for my summer.

I called a mentor I had at the time and asked him what I should do. He asked me a simple question, "do you want what God wants for your summer or what you want for your summer?" I told him, "I'm pretty sure I just want to be a guide." Then he asked, "Well, do you want to want what God wants for your summer." I said, "No, I just want to be a guide." He replied, "Well, do you want, to want, to want what God wants for your summer." To that, I said, "100%, it would be really great if I could want, to want, to want God's will for me." Then he said, "Great, start there and every day pray, God I want to want to want what you have for me this summer. Pretty soon, you might find yourself dropping some "wants” off that prayer.”

Every day, multiple times a day, I would pray, "Lord, I want, to want, to want what you have for me this summer in place of guiding." Sure enough, within a few weeks or a month, I found myself saying, "God, I want what you have for me this summer." Then I got a call from my Dad with a crazy opportunity, "John, would you like to go to Mozambique for the summer?" It turns out my uncle had a relationship with a family that operated an orphanage in a remote part of the country, and he had offered to connect me with them. I agreed immediately, and within a few weeks, I found myself boarding a flight to Johannesburg, South Africa, with a picture in my pocket of a guy who would probably pick me up at the airport. It was just the sort of adventure I craved at that point in my life. Flying halfway around the world without being totally sure how I would get from Johannesburg to the orphanage in Mozambique.

After a week of staying with strangers, my ride finally showed up, and we began the 20+ hour drive North. There were so many fun things that happened that summer that I won't go into, but the most important things that happened were not what I had expected.

A South African and a Dutchman were working at the orphanage while I was there, and they suggested that we do a seven-day fast. I had never done that before, so I thought, let's do it. Every day, I journaled during the fast, and my main request was, "God, I want to hear from you." I was convinced God had led me there. He had changed my heart to want his plans for my summer, but I had never felt I heard him speak to me. Towards the end of the fast, I was journaling, and suddenly, I knew I had just heard God for the first time. It wasn't an audible voice or a message carved in stone, but my spirit responded so strongly that I was instantly emotional. If you have never heard God speak to you, then I can just say it's something you know because it is clearly not your thought, and it's always exactly what you need to hear.

Hearing God lit a fire in my heart, to say the least, and I instantly wanted more relationship with him. From 5 AM worship sessions with the boys in the orphanage to quiet prayer times on my own, the obsession of my days became, “God, I want more of you.” He continued to speak to me, and it was like the early stage of a dating relationship; everything was perfect, and it seemed like easy going from here. My wife calls this stage in a dating relationship "the fluffy love cloud." Then I crashed a dirt bike while running an errand one day and badly burned my leg on the exhaust. It got extremely infected, and I ended up not being able to put weight on it for three days. So I laid there under a mosquito net feeling horrible, praying that God would heal my leg. I was 19, so I really didn't see how dangerous it was to have that bad infection in a remote area of Mozambique. Looking back, I realize I should have looked for a doctor.

A few days after getting back on my feet, I was asked to help a visiting missionary mill some wood to take back to where she lived in the Tete region. She told me how she had been a scientist in Mexico City, and God had revealed himself to her in her lab, and she instantly went from atheist to believer. He told her that He was calling her to the land of white beaches and blue water. She had no idea which country that was, then two years later she saw a travel poster that said, "Mozambique the land of white beaches and blue water." Fast forward nine years, and she is living in a tent on top of her car about eight hours from a city, spending half of each day in prayer and the other half educating the kids in the villages around her. Instead of building a house she was building a school. She invited me to come visit her with the missionaries who ran the orphanage where I was staying. I was captivated by her story and had to see everything for myself.

Before we left to go to Tete, I got Malaria. If you have never had it, then I will save you the experience and tell you it sucks. I was back in bed praying for healing, and I hadn't even been on my feet more than a week after my leg incident. I remember hearing rats on the rafters at night above me, which added a new level of weirdness to my Malaria experience. After about 5 days, I was out of bed again, somewhat healed up, and we were off to Tete.

After an awesome drive through nothing for hours and hours, we arrived at a small structure that would be a school next to a land cruiser with a rooftop tent. Before going to bed, the lady we were visiting warned us not to leave our tents during the night on a count of the spitting cobras. Then she walked away, and I remember thinking, "Wait, what was that about spitting cobras… Seems important; I'll have to ask her tomorrow."

Shortly after crawling into my tent, it hit me, and by it, I mean the worst diarrhea I have ever had. The only toilet was a hole in the ground called a long drop, and it was at least 100 yards from where we were camping. I threw on my headlamp and started the fastest running waddle you have ever seen. I can still remember the feeling and my headlamp bouncing side to side as I tried to look for spitting cobras and run while clenching my cheeks together with all the force I had. It makes me laugh every time I think about it.

I can't remember how many times I made that run that night, but there was no question I was more miserable than I had ever been. A few hours later, I lay there in my tent, fully clenched, trying to understand how anything else could possibly be left in my intestines. That's when I heard the question that changed everything for me. In my mind and spirit, God asked… "If this is what I called you to, would you do it?" I knew what He was asking: if He called me to come to a place like this, to give up modern comforts, to face sickness and so many other challenges, would I do it? The dating relationship was over; the fluffy loved cloud was gone. Now, things had gotten very serious.

I thought about it a long time that night and finally admitted that if I had to give an answer right now, it would be "no." When we returned to the orphanage, I had a little over a month left before I planned to return home. So I started spending an hour or more every night in a little prayer house, pacing in the candlelight, praying that God would help me change my "no" into a "yes." I wanted to want to follow Him wherever He called me but couldn't yet say I really wanted it.

During my month of prayer, I started to have serious trouble breathing. I hadn't had asthma problems since I was 12, but now it seemed to be coming back with a vengeance. I still traveled with a rescue inhaler, even though I never really needed it, and now I was taking it every couple of hours just to breathe. After a few days of this, I went into the prayer room and said, "God, you led me here, and I need you to heal me.” Several hours later, a deep peace came over me, and God said, “Wherever I call you to, I will be there with you.” The next morning my breathing was perfect and has been ever since. I went back to the prayer house, and I told God, “If you are promising to be with me wherever you call me to, then I can say, ‘Yes, I will go wherever you call me to go.’"

I decided that I would follow God wherever he led me for the rest of my life. I honestly believed that meant I would spend the rest of my life in the darkest places in the world, places of poverty, war, sickness, and injustice. I begrudgingly went back to the States and began preparing for a life of radical ministry in dark places.

As I sit here in TX, 16 years later, it is clear that wasn't God's plan. But I gave my yes and have never taken it back. Every step in my life from then to now has been following the leading of God. I have never known his plans for me and often felt like they made no sense. This journey has cost me everything in the best way possible and given me back more than I ever let go of.

It didn't start with a burning desire to follow God through the gates of hell. It started by honestly answering that I was a Christian, but I didn't really want God's will for my life. But there was a part of me that wanted to want to want His will for me. He took that small part and said, “Great, let's start there.”

God knows our hearts, and He doesn't need us to kid ourselves that we are somehow more holy in our desires than we are. He will meet us wherever we are if we are willing to pray the prayer of "wants." It doesn't matter if your prayer of wants is a mile long. If there is some part of you that wants to want to want to want God's will for you, then you are off the races my friend. The journey of transformation that God has for all of us has to start with being honest about what we really want and asking Him to meet us there.

"I admit I once lived by rumors of you; now I have it all firsthand - from my own eyes and ears!" - Job 42:5 MSG

- John Walt

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